Friday, November 25, 2011

Read only if you are 18 +, if not lie about your age

There is a slight problem here. My friend Ms Divya Nambiar whom you might identify as a bery famoush blogger thinks I am a cheat. She thinks I am an ass and the world should know that, and how does she do that? Occasionally in her blogs she somewhere or the other drops my name and attributes all the bad things to my name. So I am here to defend my case.

I would like to declare at the outset itself, I consider myself a very nice, handsome, normal guy (more adjectives will come up during the course of the post)

Just because I crack gross jokes, how can I be an ass or a pervert? And honestly I don’t crack gross jokes, I just play with word you know…like lets say, my fav movie is Forrest Hump or Missionary Impossible and the likes.

PJ’s are my birth right. I will crack them as long as I don’t have to think for it. It comes very naturally to me. Its as natural to me as it is for a cow to chew the cud. There are only two things I am good at; Poor Jokes and Gross Jokes and I sincerely hope I don’t end up being one in the end.

Yes, I drink. Its some sort of alternate reality. I still stand by my statement – Intoxication is not a crime, it’s a way of life. I sometimes do say I love you or naice in the Borat style after I am drunk. I might also scratch my back once I have had my share of ale, but that’s bery bery normal no? Who doesn’t scratch ones back? I scratch your back, you scratch my back, Harder!!!

I might look like a lecher, I have been called one, and that too by a guy! Damn!! Anyway, I would like to clarify, I am not. I am not a lecher. Think what you want. Everybody who has a beard or long hair or wears a kurta is not a lecher, terrorist or goonda. Grow up!!! I would categorize my beard and mane as unkempt. Its not the rockstar one or the crack one. I am very passionate about Hair. It grows on me.

People might consider I am cheap Bastard because I sometimes do wear the Kurta for 3 days or the same jeans for a year. All I can say is, detergents are bad for your skin. And yes, I can afford a blade, if somebody wants to donate one to me, do better. Go shave yourself, and you know I meant your facial hair.

I will smile at people, I will talk to them, I have many acquaintances, but I do not know the names of all. Is that actually a problem? And how does it make me an ass? I remember them, know them, genuinely smile and make them feel comfortable around me. What more do you need? By heart the names of everybody I meet on the street daily? Oh please…

Having said all this, lemme tell you what I do except from all the above mentioned creative practises. I teach. I teach college kids (I sound like an old fart) mass communication. I teach in a Women’s College. Now now…close your mouth, don’t look like a baboon’s back. If you have got a problem, just go and see Dirty Picture. Vidya Balan will take your mind off the thought of me teaching college girls mass communication. I am not a bad lecturer okay, ammachiyana (swear on my grandmother).

I am pretty much sure that by now, the 61 followers I have of my blog will either become 6 or 1, but its okay. I am my best critic and reader, sad but true. If you want to befriend me even after this, you have to answer a question. If you don’t sleep the whole night, does one have to actually brush ones teeth in the morning? If you’re thinking the purpose behind this superb question…don’t think, just answer. And do me one more favour, please say “I like Poland, I love Poland”

If at all I die in the near future, my friend Divya Nambiar who made me write this will get my bottle of Sula Saugvinon Blanc wine which if I don’t die plan to open it for Christmas. And I die, bury me face down, so the whole world can kiss my ass. And also, please bury me along with an old monk.

PS: Whats the world coming to? I must say that Mc Donalds and KFC are taking over the world. The other day when I was walking down the street I heard two guys swear at each other, one called the other Mc Choot and the he retorted Sala wrap (cracked with dear friend Adil who now curates documentaries for a living)


  1. I also want your laptop, your TV (with the Airtel connection), your Thunderbird (even if I can't ride it) and your cooker. I could use an extra cooker.

    And honey, I don't THINK you're an ass. I KNOW you're an ass. And I also know that the feeling is absolutely mutual.

  2. @ Spaceman Spiff: Laptop will go to my brother, TV with Airtel Connection to Rakesh, Thunderbird to my Dad and take that!
    And yea sweetie, the feeling is absolutely mutual.

  3. Cooker maathram nee ninda kettiyolkku koduttha mathi. Ayya. Avande oru audhaaryam.

  4. heheheheheh!!! Before I start comemnting (i guess I already did) let me say being a malayalee, I LOUUU POLAND!!!!!
    And like my acchamma says "Puli Pallu Tekyaar Illa..." So u dont have to brush if u havent slept the whole night, unless you are on a mission to really impress someone.
    And Missionary Impossible? Ghahaahahah I think I like gross jokes :/
    And talking about knowing the names of acquaintances, well I tend to forget my close relatives name and I really get an earful ever time I meet one of them in some wedding or family function.. "entha mole enne marannu poyo?" All I can say is " Ella Aunty, face ormayund" :D

  5. @ Spaceman: Vendengil venda. Enikkentha kuzhappam.

  6. @ Red Handed: Hello FRIEND, you have now officially befriended me. Now Suffer.
    There are more of such movie name jokes, lemme be polite and not put them up here.
    With me names are a big problem. I just cannot get them right. Its an 8th wonder I remember the name of my students. Each time I meet somebody whom I know by face and not by name my trick is this - If any of my friends is there wimme, I introduce the friend by his/her name, then the other person will say his name! Enganondente buddhi?
    And its worse when the person says take my # and he gives a missed call. I save the number like # or * and stuff!

  7. Nalla buddhi..and the number thing, happens with me too. I hav so many contacts on my cell which goes as 'The crooked nose girl from school' ...Wht not!

  8. wow..i should save this post somewhere....someday in some age and time, I just might have to give the same explanation!

    I loooooooooooove poor and gross jokes both-so as far as I am concerned, I think you added a big fan in that 60 and by added a few more like this-who knows some day you reach the 69*cheesy , but couldn't help it-the excitement of finding like minded people sometimes makes me heady*

  9. @ Red Handed: The crooked nose girl from school? :-D congrats, you beat me to naming conventions!

  10. @ Suruchi: Ha ha...yes jokes are always better when they're gross. Sometimes I even feel I am the result of some gross joke too.

  11. Hahahaha! I've always loved the naughty tiffs between the two of you!
    Whatever inspired you to write this, I'd say bring on more of that!! Cos this is hilarious! :)

  12. @ The Mediating Lion: Its a battle out there. She is just sour at me cause I crack better jokes :-p

  13. hehehe... you are both good at the PJ front. But gross ones.... ummmm.... the guy gets it - Ammachchiyane! (Loved it!)

  14. hahaha! Probably one of the most funny ways to defend yourself in arguments. i am keeping this for reference. :)

  15. @ Maverick:
    Its a cruel world out there, one has to be cautious :-)

    1. Sorry am replying to your comment .... but , blogger aint letting me post comments ...

      Read a couple of posts ... your writing style is nice.

      Liked the one on success, and the one about your brother (Reading stories to him) a lot